


you're walking in the woods

by handschuhmaus



Category: Doctor Who RPF, Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Actual cannibal Shia Leboeuf, Gen, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, complete and utter unabashed crack, forgive me for this preposterous nonsense, written some time ago and posted on Tumblr a short while ago
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-04 16:24:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3074321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handschuhmaus/pseuds/handschuhmaus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A wholly bizarre flight of fantasy...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <em>One last ridiculous thing for 2014... which was actually written in 2012</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	you're walking in the woods

**Author's Note:**

> From [tumblr](http://rugessnome.tumblr.com/post/106765554903/this-story-adventure-was-written-quite-some-time): 
> 
> This story/adventure was written quite some time ago. (Probably mid 2012) Its beginning is borrowed from the then popular “Actual Cannibal Shia LaBouef”, but I can assure you that it it is rather less threatening, if extremely strange and largely surreal. There is no cannibalism, but there is a lot of bizarre spontaneous combustion, along with a strange assortment of characters. Contains “Vhatson”—aka Vitaly Solomin’s excellent and adorable portrayal of Dr. Watson. A reference is made to the bicycle in the Russian Holmes films in which Vhatson appeared, but they are are otherwise unnecessary to the story. I am amused by my nonsense every time I read this.

you’re walking in the woods  
there’s no one around and your phone is quite dead  
then you spot, out of the corner of your eye, Roger Delgado  
he appears to be having a smoke  
he is wearing a nehru jacket  
you ask him to stop smoking  
but he cannot  
his jacket is on fire  
so you puzzle over how to put out his jacket  
you have no bucket  
but you can dunk it into the river  
and as you do  
Vhatson comes riding up  
he and the tandem are covered in twigs and leaves  
and bits of berries  
and he asks you a question in Russian  
but you do not understand  
and then the Master translates  
Vhatson has a koala bear clinging to his leg like a limpet  
and he does not know what to do about it  
neither does Roger  
you try to pry the koala bear off Vhatson  
but the sodden jacket goes flying past you  
and hits Roger in the shoulder  
covering his shirt with wet bits of burnt jacket  
wait! Vhatson is gesticulating  
Roger did not translate his question  
Vhatson would like to use your mobile  
it is quite dead.  
a dripping artichoke hits Vhatson on the ear  
in its flight from the river  
Vhatson falls over  
his legs entangle with the bicycle frame  
you look at the river  
and there is Michael Banks  
lofting a teddy bear above his head  
the koala bear tries to climb Roger’s leg  
his trousers are too slippery  
so it perches on his shoe  
you see a rogue kilt plummeting through the air  
sort of like a parachute would if not properly open  
a small kitten and two fluffy yellow Minions  
emerge from the sporran  
there is a loud noise  
a squirrel has dropped a walnut  
in the canopy you espy a skinny man in a carrot costume  
he is dangling from a flimsy branch  
but there is nothing you can do to help him.  
Roger taps you on the shoulder  
he points out that Michael Banks is fitting a sort of catapult with a cargo of assorted root vegetables…  
you are not afraid of root veg  
but you consider what the artichoke has done to Vhatson  
so you grab Roger  
and make your best effort to barricade yourselves behind Vhatsons bike  
the Minions follow you  
they are scared  
they bury their faces in the koala bear’s fur  
suddenly there is a whooshing noise  
a dead pine has gone up in flames  
Vhatson explains in broken English  
that today is a day for spontaneous combustion  
Roger offers him his jacket.  
suddenly Jon Pertwee approaches  
he snatches up Michael Banks  
and sends him along the other way with a brief swat on the rear  
Katy Manning accompanies him  
they are searching for Roger!  
but they cannot see you under Vhatson’s tandem.  
the carrot man screams  
and they conclude that their fellow actor is not here  
they somehow do not notice the still flaming dead pine  
despite the pervasive odor of smoke  
and they turn around.  
you turn to Roger to ask if he wanted to return with them  
but he is not there beside you  
nor is Vhatson  
a Minion points helpfully behind a gargantuan cypress trunk  
but it refuses to remove its eyes from the koala  
behind the trunk Vhatson is attempting to scale a very steep sand dune  
Roger is watching him bemusedly  
you feel the sand  
the sand is quite warm.  
a shower of sand falls upon your head  
as Vhatson slides back down several feet.  
Roger Delgado pats you on the head.  
…the disembodied voice of Colin Baker  
suddenly announces  
it is the time for drinking tea and driving combines.  
Vhatson entrusts you  
even though you have turned your head from his visage to look for the voice  
with a very tiny samovar  
carefully folding your hands around the silver object  
and then he points excitedly at a bird  
and mounts the bike again.  
Roger Delgado throws his jacket onto the sand  
and begins to beat at it  
it is on fire once more  
you toss a handful of sand at it  
but you do not coordinate your efforts with Roger’s  
and you only end up throwing sand at his arm  
you can see the sun over the top of the dune  
the koala sidles up  
crab walking to stop it trampling the Minions  
and burrows into the sand  
which you think is decidedly unnatural behavior for a koala bear  
and you so comment under your breath  
Roger Delgado points out that under normal  
natural circumstances  
his costumes do not spontaneously combust  
especially within a damp and verdant forest  
you hear Jon Pertwee agreeing with this  
you turn your head and it is Mr. Pertwee  
only a flaming purple velvet jacket flies past your head  
just then  
followed by a bucket of water  
which is sloshing out  
Roger moves to beat at the flaming jacket of his friend  
when Mr. Pertwee suddenly leaps at the both of you  
and knocks you to the sand  
he says “I’ll explain later”  
an orangutan appears, treading sand on the duneside  
and you gape at it in astonishment  
as it ooks at you and hands you a large tome  
clearly labeled Liber Paginarum Fulvarum  
you quickly flip some of the pages  
and you realize it is a sort of intergalactic telephone book  
but your mobile is quite dead  
…  
the scene momentarily disappears  
and you are accosted by a sort of doll-like woman  
who looks more like a porcelain doll  
than any person you’ve seen and  
who tells you this is a dream  
but you refuse to believe this  
especially as you’re quite sure you don’t dream such realistic smells of smoke  
and besides would this really happen in your dreams  
you turn and once more you are lying in the sand clutching the yellow pages  
Jon and Roger are examining their bizarrely flammable jackets  
but gaze concernedly upon you at intervals  
A tiny finger pokes you in the shoulder  
and you angle your head to see there a Minion  
it hands you a cherry and cheese danish  
as if to proffer pastry will right all the wrongs  
that have occurred in the past few minutes in this wood  
you are quite set in your opinion  
that pastry, no matter how flaky and sweet,  
and rich  
does not compensate for hostile utilization of root vegetables  
of course, Michael Banks was not the Minion’s fault  
you lift up your head and look for the koala bear  
and wasn’t there an orangutan around here?  
the koala bear is having tea with the other Minion  
with a minute bright orange tea set  
and they are enjoying plastic pieces of California Roll  
piles of whipped cream  
and a kiwifruit that the koala is intently attacking  
Roger and Jon are not concerned about this  
they assist you to your feet, brushing sand off your back and shoulders  
Jon looks at the phone book  
but your mobile is still quite dead  
so you couldn’t employ it anyway.  
"Didn’t you see the tree burning?"  
you ask; it seems somehow important  
but he does not know to what you refer  
Vhatson returns, and doles out three bouquets of flowers  
one to each of you  
they are cut flowers but they are mixed bulbs:  
hyacinths, tulips, daffodils, lilies  
Jon accepts his gracefully, as usual  
you merely look at Vhatson,  
much like a deer in the headlights, you think  
and Roger looks quite taken aback  
as if he does not know how to receive flowers  
Vhatson shrugs apologetically  
and suddenly screams and points frantically at the dune behind the three of you  
a bus emerges from it,  
shedding sand,  
and seemingly taking on a green and cream livery  
as it exits the dune.  
Your companions are utterly puzzled  
and the Minions frantically signal  
that they think Darth Maul is behind you  
or at least that is as best you can understand them  
probably not though.  
the driver of the bus opens the doors and looks out at you  
and both Jon and Roger appear very startled,  
and she looks mildly intrigued.  
The interior of the bus is quite Art Deco  
and you find yourself climbing aboard,  
almost before you know what you’re doing,  
Jon grabs your arm  
which makes you nearly tumble backward  
off the bus steps  
in fact you land in the arms of Roger Delgado  
but he was trying to arrest your movement into the bus  
not disrupt your balance  
"Why, Doctor, didn’t you think you could join me?"  
the driver is addressing Jon, but as if he were his character  
he is quite taken aback.  
"Oh come on, dearie, I’m Iris Wildthyme,"  
you look at Jon Pertwee, only he looks quite puzzled  
and is presently looking at his friend, Mr. Delgado  
whose arms you still occupy  
because you haven’t bothered to regain your footing  
—Jon is looking at Roger quite as if he expects  
he might understand the situation  
but he does nothing to suggest this.  
the three of you are suddenly and frantically ushered into the bus by Vhatson  
by means of frantic gesturing and the help of the Minions  
and also the koala bear,  
which is now eating from a packet of Swedish fish  
and has somehow attained sufficient height  
to enable its current position on Jon Pertwee’s shoulder,  
the good doctor communicates that there is a dangerous lawn mower  
outside the confines of the bus  
yes, there is a vehicle clearly recognizable as a flying lawn mower  
and it is plummeting straight down into the river,  
trailed by a handful of flying lemons  
with rainbow streamers on  
the explosion rocks the bus  
and you tumble onto a settee:  
you clear Jon, but Vhatson doesn’t make the settee  
instead falling into the dear Doctor’s legs  
and Roger lands on top of you  
in a precarious and unsustainable perch  
such that he quickly falls backward across the settee.

**Author's Note:**

> ...I do not presently remember who the person trying to persuade you it's a dream is meant to be...


End file.
